Listening...a dead art?

It is no secret that women are more open to verbal communication when it comes to the nitty gritty of a relationship. Still, listening to your partner is just as important as whatever you want them to hear. This is something that can be very hard to do, it's something many would rather not do. Who wants to address hurt feelings, fears, doubts, and concerns to a person you don't want to lose...sometimes you'd rather let them just manifest themselves into the big gray elephant in a room, or let them fester until their fumes morph into a large atomic bomb and explode in the face of an unsuspecting loved one. Needless to say those tactics aren't exactly healthy for a relationship. My BF has this thing where he feels whenever we start talking about the issues within our relationship, a nasty emotional fight is all that occurs. But I feel, if we are both willing to listen, respect, and do our best to understand the other person, than there's no reason for World War three. If we can't talk to each other about how we feel, than how can we function, grow, or love? A relationship cannot and will not work without honest words, and open ears.

"The colossal misunderstanding of our time is the assumption that insight will work with people who are unmotivated to change. Communication does not depend on syntax, or eloquence, or rhetoric, or articulation but on the emotional context in which the message is being heard. People can only hear you when they are moving toward you, and they are not likely to when your words are pursuing them. Even the choice words lose their power when they are used to overpower. Attitudes are the real figures of speech."
~Edwin H. Friedman

When you hit the bottom...only way to go is UP!

Rock Bottom: the lowest possible level, the absolute lowest point.

If you've read the last couple of blogs, it's really no surprise that this state of mind was a natural progression from the recent events. I have never been in love before...I mean in high school, but that was puppy love, not so serious, and not so complex. As you get older, you really begin to see what love is all about. Of course it's about sharing your life and happy memories with someone else, movie nights, candle lit dinners, and hot passionate...well use your imagination. But it's also about compromise, trust, letting down your defenses, taking a chance, vulnerability, and understanding...money, family, and future plans. Things most of us find difficult to do, things that are important enough to ruin a relationship if not handled with delicacy. The level of difficulty depends on the amount of hurt you've felt in the past, and the way you intertwine your practical life with someone else depends on your level of maturity. With all of that said, a couple days ago I spent an entire 24 hours in shambles, eyes blood shot, strength deteriorating, and mind wandering. Me and the BF had finally reached a point where nothing seemed to matter but the anger, the hurt, and the distrust. Us, together, was an afterthought. We had one of our many fights, all rooted in the same cause...a lack of trust and understanding. He wouldn't answer the phone, wouldn't answer a text, and I bet if I had sent a carrier pigeon he'd a shot it down with a Beebe gun. It really felt as though it was all over. I felt helpless, and defeated...hurt, and misunderstood...betrayed, and weak. No one ever wants to feel one of those things, but all of them at the same time...emotionally unstable does not even begin to describe my state. It was rough, and I was a hot mess. Towards the end of a two day depression, I had began to let myself give up, not care, and let go. I expressed my current state to my BF, and at first his selfishness trumped his opportunity to be compassionate. But after letting it all sink in, he started to see. But was it too late? Not, just yet. I had my eyes set on a getaway plan, but hadn't started packing my bags. He stopped me just in time. He told me what I needed to hear to not leave. His last wall had fallen....thank God because all I want is for us to be the strong couple I know we can be. So, here we are, for the first time, on the same page, both emotionally naked, both willing to do what it takes. A lot of the times you get with someone, you fall in love, but then you forget about the commitment. Any fool can love, but it takes strength and confidence to fully commit to someone else...to the success of a relationship. I think we've found our confidence and strength in each other, but of course, only time will tell.
Bottom line: Sometimes it all has to come crashing down before you can start to rebuild again. Love is not for the weak, and if you want to be dedicated and committed to the betterment of a relationship, stop being lazy and get to work.

The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. ~Charles DuBois

What's BEST for YOU...?

Question: When someone you love with all your heart breaks you...how can you recover, OR can you ever recover?

My BF broke up with me. For a little over 12 hours I could barely breath, focus, or speak without tears welling up in the corners of my eyes. It's hard because sometimes I don't want to cry, but unfortunately for me, I cry whenever I feel any type of emotion....happiness, sadness, anger, etc. The details of why we broke up are long and drawn out. After breaking up with me in the morning, I was forced to go to work with this situation looming over my head like a dark and stormy cloud. It was the toughest 8 hours of my life. After I got off, I was contemplating taking comfort in a very large bottle of red wine, and throwing on some extremely sad slow music, when I heard the phone ring. He wanted to talk. Initially, I'm thinking/hoping that maybe he's changed his mind and we can work this out, but the realistic side of me just figured he wanted to tell me face to face why he couldn't be with me anymore. Good thing I allow myself to think realistically because that's exactly what happened. There were no i'm sorry's, no I don't know what I was doing breaking up with you, and no let's try this again. Instead it was a long list of reasons why he did what he did. Like I needed to really hear it. He had already broken up with me, and that was a knife in the heart right there...but this was adding insult to injury...this was him pushing the knife deeper and then turning it left and right until it fell out my chest where he would proceed to step on it, throw it on the stove and eat it for dinner. His words were torturous, and swallowing them was like swallowing nails with a side of safety pins. Then he told me something that really put me on the ledge ready to jump to my death...he hadn't had sex with someone else, BUT, he had entertained another woman. BWHHHHAAAT??! And here I am feeling like a horrible girlfriend, when I have always remained loyal, opting to not see another man no matter how upset I am at him. Here I am being accused of this and that, when he's had one foot out the door for over three weeks now. Here I am blaming myself for this situation, when this is something he's been contemplating for some time. He had already given up. It's funny how you can allow people to manipulate situations when their actions are just as foul. If I had done what he did, he would have been livid. And many opportunities have come my way, but then what's the point of being in a relationship if you're going to still see other people? Here I am being honest, telling him I'm going to drive up with my producer friend for music business stuff, and he gets all in a tizzy, yet HE'S having secret dinner rendezvous. Either way you slice it, it's wrong. I mean, I'm so grateful he didn't have sex with someone else, but it's almost just as bad if not worse. You didn't share your body, but shared everything else. It's betrayal. Yet, I'm the one crucified on the cross for words I said in a drunken rage? Words that were somewhat true (in retrospect). You know, a woman's intuition can be so dead on it's scary. I could sense him falling back, I could sense him having doubts, I could sense that there were pieces of the puzzle missing...I could sense it all, yet love can dull all senses. Love can tell your mind lies. Love can put shades over your eyes. So, after all of his many revelations, I thought it was over. For me, when something like this happens and ends, I have to disappear...go into hiding...he has to not exist to me anymore...he has to be put in the safe and locked away...that's the only way I can move on. I'm sorry, but no, after you break my heart, I cannot be your friend, I can't talk to you like my soul isn't aching, like I don't feel like you wasted my time. I cannot pretend to not feel, when it's all I feel. In the end, he changed his mind, told me he wanted us to stay together "if I could do all the things he needs a girlfriend to do." But it seems as though the damage is done. My heart has been bruised, my mind has been filled with doubts. On top of it all, he's seriously considering moving away in a month or so. SO WHAT IS THE POINT? To see how much pain and heartache I can take? To see just how insane I can become? This is the most painful situation I have been in with a man in a long time because my love is real...my love is genuine...my love is his.
Bottom line: Is love ever enough? Is someone else worth sacrificing all of yourself even if they're not willing to do the same? No. In the end, it's your life, it's your choice, and it's YOU who has to deal with your broken heart. The hardest part is letting go...BUT if you're not willing to save yourself from destruction who is?

"Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop."
~Anonymous

The truth?! You CAN'T handle the TRUTH!

Question of the day...is honesty ALWAYS the best policy?

As I laid in my bed last night, with a dark and gloomy cloud over my head, dried tears on my cheeks, hair tousled, eyes red, heart stressed, and body drained...I got to thinking about the reality of honesty being the best policy. I am thankful, grateful, and appreciative that my current boyfriend is comfortable enough to usually be completely honest with me...at all times, no matter the subject matter or the repercussions that might arise after the fact. Still, yesterday I experienced the validity of the phrase "truth hurts." Going on a month and a half of our relationship...2 months of being involved, I was brashly told that he was getting bored...in the bedroom. Yep, that's what he said, and not only did he say it, but he owned it, was confident in it despite how it would make me feel. Now, in retrospect and in the context of our entire conversation, I know he thought he meant well, but the way he said and approached the honest way he was feeling was COMPLETELY WRONG! In his attempt to get me to change some things, he only made my whole entire being shut down, and fear to erupt in my heart. I don't know many women, and after only a month and a half, would take that kind of news with a grain of salt. And, when I told my girlfriends what happened, well cried to them about what happened, they reacted the same way I did...shocked and confused. The thing about it is, this info is coming from a man who once told me that "it" was the best he'd ever had, and NOW "it" was BORING!? Sheesh, talk about a short attention span. Let me not forget that it didn't end there...while still wallowing and trying to digest the honest comment he made, he then said that maybe we should spend less time together due to the fact we "seem to argue a lot." Yep, that's what he said, on the same day, in the same conversation. Now, i'm no fool. When someone you're involved with says things like this to you within the same hour, most people would think, "ok, it's over, or about to be over, he's on his way out the door..." Yet, he urged me to believe that he wasn't going anywhere, and that he is merely trying to make our relationship better. Well, telling me you're bored and want to spend less time with me doesn't seem like an ideal way to go about making a relationship better. If anything, it prompts me to once again raise my guard, go on the defensive, and prepare myself for the worst. And someone like me, who hasn't been in a relationship in 4 years and has mostly dealt with losers, i'm still settling and adjusting to this whole real relationship thing, and changes don't happen over night, or in a month. However, I do care and love him very much. I know what he wants, and I know what to do to make this all better...(some lingerie here and there, switching things up a little bit) and I plan to do what it takes, BUT, what I have a problem with is the obvious disregard for my feelings. Yes, I am strong, but I am also pretty sensitive (like most women). When a man is aware of that fact, you would think they would address touchy subjects in a more tactful way, unless they refuse to see past their own feelings, needs, and desires. But, I don't even know if there's a tactful way to say what he said. I digress...I love and respect honesty, and I am a very honest person...especially with my bf, but if I was really brashly honest about EVERYTHING, he would probably stop talking to me for a while. Of course, I try to be as considerate as possible of his feelings, and that's what's missing on his part...some finesse in his truth telling. I understand that there are some things, that no matter how you say it, will be hurtful...but if you have a number of those kinds of feelings in a relationship, maybe there is a much bigger problem. A relationship shouldn't make you feel inadequate and hurt, especially when it's still in its beginning stages. A large part of me doesn't want to admit the inevitable, but HONESTLY speaking...Love, a losing game...7...Love, a blissful experience...0.
Bottom line: Before you speak about your HONEST feelings to someone you care and love, first put how you feel aside, and think about how what you're about to say will affect the other person. Honesty is a NECESSARY part of a relationship, but there's always a better way to go about bringing things to someones attention. Consideration is hard to come by, but it's also necessary to make a relationship work.

"People who are brutally honest get more satisfaction out of the brutality than out of the honesty." ~Richard J. Needham

"DING DING DING"...Let's get ready to RUMBLE!

Relationships can be sweet, comforting, passionate, loving, fulfilling, and a beautiful experience, but they can also be difficult, frustrating, time consuming, draining, and down right HARD WORK. Lately, me and the BF have had a few...let's call them tiffs..."that was a horrible thing to say to me,"you don't do what a girlfriend should do," "can you please not talk to my friends so much," "I can't talk to you without hurting you," "I don't feel like you'd be there if I needed you to be,""man up," "can you please just listen"...sigh. Yes, the last couple of weeks have been emotionally tiring. You get into these emotional rumbles, and your voice starts to elevate, your blood begins to boil, tears gather in the bottom corners of your eyes, you're on the verge of saying something you don't really mean, throwing the closest thing to you at that persons head/body, and the situation seems hopeless. When it goes that far it's hard to stop yourself, have a moment of clarity, retreat, and think twice. Instead you wander off into the realm of the WWF. So, what is the right way to fight...the right way to get your point across with as little collateral damage as possible? I know I have been engaging in fights with my BF that break all the relationship laws. I have been a consistent repeat offender, guilty on all charges, but he has also been an active participant...a lively accessory. Still, it comes down to how you want your relationship to be? Do you want the Ike and Tina Turner relationship...toxic, violent, and tumultuous, or do you want a relationship that makes both you and your partner content and satisfied. Most of us would hopefully choose the latter. I know I do. With all of that said, here's some ways to fight right...minus the verbal insults and possible throwing of personal affects.

• When you want to talk to your significant other about something that has been bothering you, make sure that you are specific when you initiate the conversation. This will help them understand what you think is wrong right away.
  
• When you bring up your grievances, make sure that you are criticizing your partner’s behavior not their character. Do not insult or belittle them. If your partner feels that you are attacking their character, they will feel hurt and betrayed. For example, if you think that they were rude to you, do not call them rude, specifically say that they were acting rude. There’s a difference.
• Don’t try to tell your partner how they feel. They know how they feel so let them tell you.
• Listen! Don’t cut each other off. Let your significant other say what they need to say, and when they are finished speaking, it will be your turn to respond.
• Focus on one thing at a time. When you have resolved one issue then you can move on to another one. This will keep you from overloading your partner with grievances, making them feel overwhelmed and hopeless.
• Always try to come to a compromise. It is the best way to resolve a fight. Don’t begin a fight with the mindset that it has to end the way you want it to.
• At the end of the fight apologize, especially if you hurt your partner. The fight shouldn't be about right and wrong, it should be about fixing a problem and strengthening the relationship.

~tips courtesy of http://lakeshoreli.wordpress.com/2008/04/16/relationships-how-to-fight-the-right-way/

Beep Beep...get the heck out the way!

Question: Why is it so easy to get in your own way when it comes to the road to happiness? For the last couple of weeks I have been frolicking around...floating on air...lost in a hazy love daze, and it's been wonderful. However, because of the overwhelming surprise factor of the entire situation, it has also been suuuuuuuuuuuuuuper intimidating, scary, intense, and down right terrifying. You start to think about how high the new love is making you, and then you make the mistake of looking down...realizing that if you fall, it's a long way to the bone shattering ground. It's only natural that you start to go in to self-protection mode...holding back, becoming aloof, and allowing yourself to engage in mindless arguments. Then you say that one thing, on that one day, that is finally the last straw. That one thing that you know deep down you shouldn't say, but fear has put a barricade in front of your love train and made it nearly impossible to travel along. "Maybe we don't have to be together...maybe we just shouldn't!" As soon as I said it I felt regret seep out through my pores, and immediately wanted to take it back. Here is this great man, completely infatuated with me, and all he asks is to be with me...little ol me, and I'm telling him that it's not necessary. Bwhaaaaat...such an idiot! So, this man, who once had no doubts about our future, now doubts the present and every second after. Just like that the dynamics of our whirlwind courtship completely changed. It didn't take me very long to realize the extent of my mess-up, and after some thought I quickly slapped myself in the face and came to my senses. On one hand I had a wonderful person and happiness, and on the other hand I had no one and misery...hmmm doesn't take a rocket science to figure out the best decision to make. It wasn't easy convincing my now boyfriend that I didn't really mean what I said...it took some explaining and a few tears, but luckily for me he allowed himself to understand!!

Bottom line: After an endless amount of disappointments, it can be easy to wallow in misery and refuse to be happy...you get to throw yourself pity parties and drink an endless amount of wine. It takes courage to accept a good thing and allow yourself to be happy...but if you have the opportunity to do so, DON'T chicken out. GET THE F*$K OUT OF YOUR WAY!

~this happiness is long overdue...

Oh Crap...Not the Stomach Flip

I have always loathed and hated those cliche romantic sayings that have the potential to make you throw up all over the place. You know the ones you hear in movies like the Notebook...the ones that sound so cheesy it's impossible to believe they have any validity. "It feels so right when we're together," "I can't explain it, but we just have a connection," "Wow, even our signs are compatible" "I feel complete when I'm with you." Despite my disdain for phrases such as these, in the last couple of days I've found myself saying them in my head...I even said one of them out loud! It's funny how when you least expect it someone can come along and throw your whole world for a loop. I went on a first date with the guy of the hour, and (vomit alert) we just clicked...fit...seemed so in sync. I had a wonderful time, we had great conversation, and he made me feel wanted and desired...a way I haven't felt since I dated the "athlete." This is something I didn't see happening anytime soon. I even put off going out with him for the longest time because I wasn't sure I was remotely interested. I finally decided to just take a chance and go with it...I mean it's a free meal and what did I have to lose? It just goes to show that sometimes you really have no idea what's best for you. Now, after a couple dates here comes the stomach flip...the butterflies...the exhilaration from things being so new. However, along with the stomach flip comes the fear...the kind of fear that gives you goose bumps in 100 degree weather, and makes you want to run and hide under your bed. The only bone chilling fear that can come from really liking someone. You're scared you're going to get hurt, afraid that they won't feel the same way about you that you feel for them, fearful that it's all just a game...you know the regular thought consuming reservations. Last time I let someone in, let down my guard, showed my vulnerable skin...I was left out in the freezing cold, mauled by wild Alaskan dogs, thrown in a rushing river, and blown to five billion pieces. A little dramatic I know, but it's how I felt...destroyed. You can only imagine the hesitation I feel to take that kind of risk again. So, my solution: to not think, and just live...to have fun, and not get distracted with what could happen...to be IN the moment.

Bottom Line: What's life without a little risk? BORING. Anything can happen, good or bad, but the key is to live everyday with as little regrets as possible...shut up and enjoy that stomach flip!