What i'm reading....

Why do women have sex?

Bottom line: For the same reasons men do, explain the authors of a groundbreaking new book that looks deep inside female desire....check the link out for more interesting info!

http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2009/10/05/why_women_have_sex/

Love: down 1...but trying to stage a comeback.

Counting my gosh darn chickens...

Question: Can someone please help me remove the invisible sign I seem to have on my chest that says "Bitchassness, Welcomed!"

OK OK OK, I know you must be thinking, "OMG, what happened Des"..."The last blog was so happy and positive" Well, NOTHING has happened, nothing whatsoever, zilch, nada....and that's the problem. You know, I think of maintaining relationships, whether it's friendships, boyfriend/girlfriend, family, or whatever, as a ZEALOUS process. Websters dictionary defines "zeal" as an eager and ardent interest in the pursuit of something...think enthusiasm...passion. And when it comes to relationships, in order to maintain that closeness and connection...it takes some, well, zeal. So, where is the gosh darn zeal? A lot of men I have come in contact with seem to lack the "zeal factor," and my latest guy mountain is seemingly no exception (insert sad face here). I mean, trying to maintain a relationship is a PROACTIVE NOT INACTIVE thing. My initial reaction is to take it all as a hint....you know that whole "he's just not that into you" approach, and let the lazy bones kick rocks because I feel like i'm totally worth the "zeal factor," but gosh darnnit, now I'm mad. It all comes down to the age old question: what was it all for? The sweet nothings, the trips, the promises, the time shared...WHAT WAS IT ALL FOR if you were just going to be lazy, and take that whole out of site out of mind thing to a whole new level...if you were going to just fall off the GPS...if you were just going to be SO TYPICAL! I don't get it. For me, it's easy to take one failed situation, then start thinking about all the other similar failed situations, then your blood begins to boil, you work yourself into a hot mess, and start kirking out on the next unsuspecting soul you encounter (sorry Starbucks guy)...and that's what has happened. I am so tired of "the woo" effect manifesting itself into "the poo" effect. You know that whole, I'm gonna say and do whatever I can to get you, (even if I don't really mean any of it) and then when I get you I'm just gonna shit on you and walk away...hoping you have a good pooper scooper. If you can't tell, I'm doing a little bit of a sound off (my best friend is asking that I "calm down") because I'm TIRED. Tired of not knowing who I'm dealing with when I let a guy in. It's like is this YOU or the "fake" YOU? Is all this hoopla genuine, or do you really JUST want my crouching tiger (if you don't know what that is, find a ledge, thanks)? Of course I turn everything introspectively..."what's wrong with me"..."what did I do"..."did I drunk dial you and offend you"..."I'm so confused." I like to think I'm a good judge of character, and then some stupid boy does something, uh, stupid, and I'm like "wow, that was totally unexpected." Just goes to show you, everyone and anyone is capable of doing everything and anything...given the right provocation (is that a word?...ha ha, it is!). Is it so wrong to believe in following through, keeping it real and abiding by the golden rule? Is that really too much to ask? Maybe it is...

Bottom line: Where do I meet these losers? Oh, that's right, EVERYWHERE! Thank GOD for the best safety net.

Love: Half time.

Uh oh -- Spaghetti O's...

I can count the number of guys on one hand whom I have really, really, I mean really liked. This is not that "oh he's cool, I'll give him a chance" type of like...this is that butterflies in the stomach, every thought leads to him, obsessive analytical type of like. So far there's only been two that have fallen in that category in my lifetime. I suppose that number is a little surprising considering the number of people I have dated in my past (no need to give the exact number, just know it's up there), but that's the way it is. There have been people I grew to like and love in a strong and intense kind of way...but there haven't been many who, right off the bat, just impressed me with their mind, body and soul. It's more than physical for me when it comes to the kind of "like" I am referring to. This is the kind of infatuation that causes wavering and unusual behavior. It's the strength of their thoughts, goals and values that prompt you to obsess and pray to God they feel the fireworks too. Not too many guys can impress me that way, and that probably explains why only two have so far.

Anywho, I just recently took a trip to Chicago to see, well, let's just call him the Architect. I've known this person for some time, but the timing never seemed quite right to kick off some sort of long-lasting romance between us. But now we're both single, and when he asked me to visit him I figured, why the heck not. I always "liked" the Architect...and always wondered what might have been if things turned out differently. So, I flew to see him, and needless to say, the trip was like double fudge chocolate cake with two scoops of french vanilla on the side. It was complete with all the romantic going's on you could think of against the back-drop of a beautiful Chicago skyline. It was one of those trips you want to totally lose yourself in...be completely immersed in the moment...and I tried, I really did...but I found myself struggling at times. I hadn't realized how terrified I still was of letting myself feel emotions for another person. I was so used to dealing with disappointments and settling for one-sided relationships, that I was a fish out of water when it came to anything of the opposite...anything that was remotely "healthy" and without drama. I was a little stiff, and sometimes not myself...so fearful of letting someone in...of being vulnerable. However, the infatuation I spoke of previously was strong enough to let me feel the sparks every time our lips touched...to feel safe in his arms...to let down my guard with every nice gesture he made. I have said plenty of times before that I would never take part in a serious long-distance relationship again...and I still can't see myself doing so. BUT, I CAN say one thing...the Architect did help wipe away the darkness that was overshadowing the eternal love optimist that has always been inside of me.

Bottom line: After a string of heartbreaks and disappointments...taking that leap off the ledge again can be just about the scariest thing you can imagine. But I'd rather leap again, than torture my mind and soul with "what ifs." Plus, if you BELIEVE like I BELIEVE...I got the best safety net ever!

Love: up 1.

Too busy is just too silly...

President Obama has a beautiful wife and two beautiful daughters. Despite his demanding job of, well, running the country, he makes time to take his wife out on dates...and watch his kids play soccer. While North Korea makes threats, and Iran protests, the President hosts his news conference, then puts his daughters to bed and kisses his wife's forehead. So, what's your excuse? I mean, who isn't busy these days...unless you're just lazy or a downright loser. The explanation is just not viable anymore in this day and age. Too busy? PUHLEEZE!

Bottom line: You make time for what you want to make time for. If you want to see someone, even if it seems nearly impossible with your hectic schedule and responsibilities, you will find a moment to spare to fit them in. So, if you're not running a country, dealing with diplomacy with hostile countries or a tanking economy...I just don't want to hear it anymore. Keep it funky or just kick rocks.

BITCHASSNESS in its purest form?

Question of the day: Do you really think you can force a kiss?

So, I went out on a second date (retrospect: MISTAKE) with this guy...we'll just call him Mr. Q. The first time we went out I ended up wandering the streets of DC ALONE at the end of the night...lost...because I had drunkenly misplaced my car (loooong story). BUT, I decided to give Mr. Q a second chance...thinking, hey, maybe his bitchassness was a one time fluke that could be blamed on too much alcohol. Well, the night started off good. Similar to the first date. Convo was good, food was good, company was...well, good. However, like many women I know, you know very quickly if you are interested in a guy enough to take it to that next level...and I knew that there was something holding me back. I think it was some sort of divine intuition, and it seems I was just not THAT into him. Nevertheless, I wasn't going to just write off the night, and planned to stay completely in the moment...that is until the touchy feely reflex took over his mind and body (typical). We ended up migrating to a lounge type place, and although he was my date for the night, it's imperative to keep things in perspective. He was my date...not my man. Wrong? Maybe, but it is what it is. I think he started to feel my not so into you vibe and began the not so intricate dance of the wandering eye. To me, if that's how ya feel, that's how ya feel. Not my man, not my problem. BUT, it is rude for a man to gander at other women when he is in the company of one. I mean, I can admit I did see some young fellows that peeked my interests, but I am a firm believer in the golden rule (you know, treat others the way you would like to be treated). Needless to say, I was ready to make an exit...but that's where I found myself in a bitchassness crescendo. As we began our walk to MY CAR, with his arm around me, he not so subtly took his hand to my cheek...trying to lead my face and subsequently my lips to his. Hmmm, no thanks. The whole let me force your face on my face thing didn't sit too well with me, and I let that be known. He got quiet and began to text (I think), but despite the previous events I was still good, not trippin, not mad...good. However, the convo went a little something like this:

Me: So, who you texting?
Mr. Q: Someone who's willing to give me a kiss.
Me: Oh for real? Good luck with that.
Mr. Q: Oh, i'm just joking. You can't take a joke.
Me: Riiiiight.

Sigh...I can take a joke...if it's funny, duh! But this was obviously a "joke" in disguise. This was a bitchass reaction to rejection. It's simple. We're adults. Mr. Q was butt hurt, and manifested that emotion (because it was seemingly too hard to digest at the moment) into a "joke" and then an attitude. This attitude turned into the silent treatment, and a request to be dropped off at the closest metro stop, which was closed, and then when offered a ride to his humble abode there was no thank you....just silence as he solemnly got out of my car and slammed the door. Hmmm, now his reaction was quite a joke...that DID make me laugh. I'm thinking, if anyone should be upset it's me right? You were all up in the breasts of other women when I'm starring you in the face...you tried to FORCE me to kiss you...and I'm still driving your carless ass home. I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. But when I told my mother this story she reminded me that when a guy takes a woman out, and pays for everything, that woman should be aware that man most likely expects something in return, i.e. a kiss or whatever. OK, that's fine, but I am also well in my right to decline. I have to admit I naively didn't take the whole give to get into account, and found myself blown to pieces, but I still didn't get upset enough to leave him standing out in the rain starring at a closed metro stop.

Bottom line: MAN THE FRICK UP. Where's your dignity? Don't try to force a woman to kiss you, and then don't get mad when she declines. If the mood, feeling, mojo isn't there, it isn't there. Take it like a man, take a sip of your henn, and keep it moving. NO MORE BITCHASSNESS!

Love: Getting ready to recruit.

Mental note: Don't trust a man who quotes The Notebook...and isn't GAY!

Holding it in: a detrimental science!

Question of the day: Why do you hold some things in when it comes to certain people and situations?

Anyone who knows me WELL, knows I am one to ALWAYS speak my mind. I am good for voicing my opinion...expressing my emotions...and verbally but most likely unintentionally offending someone. Usually, I am accused of being too straightforward, and asked to use a little more tact. I'm the one who lays the cards all out on the table because hey, life's too short to tip toe around issues. It even makes my closest friends a little nervous sometimes...knowing I'm bound to say anything at anytime. Some people can handle it, some fight it, and others choose not to deal with it. Either way, it's a part of my personality...always has been and always will be. Sometimes it's a gift...and sometimes it feels like a curse. I attribute the character trait to my grandmother. She was the most honest person I ever met. However, for a while I have found myself in unusual territory when it comes to a certain someone and a certain situation. I have found myself holding things in (insert gasp here). Lately I have turned introspectively in an attempt to figure out why this might be. My conclusion: protection and fear. Initially, when this certain situation began, things were held in because of the nature of the circumstances. Probably why I shouldn't have gotten myself in the situation in the first place...but I digress. NOW, I think I've got so used to handling this ONE situation like that, that it's been hard to break out of that habit. I had forced myself (partly my fault and partly his fault) to bite my tongue...and now I couldn't stop. Usually I have no qualms about telling a man to kick rocks, or removing myself from a toxic situation. I suppose I have been protecting myself from the possible repercussions and/or negative reactions that could occur if I really let it all hang out...really expressed myself about everything and anything that had to deal with this certain situation. Of course, totally selling myself short. I guess I was fearful that whatever I was feeling...whatever I had to say...would prompt me to lose whatever I THOUGHT I HAD...would lose a certain someone. Silly? Yes, because you have to have someone in order to lose them. But it is what it is. So, as the YEARS have dragged on...holding things in when it comes to this certain someone has slowly but surely started to chip away at me. My friends are tired of hearing me vent and vent and vent...and always ask why they are the one's I'm venting to as opposed to the party directly involved. And they are completely justified in their inquiry (still they're my friends and it's part of their job :-)). It's no secret the longer you hold things in the riskier things can be because your feelings/emotions are bound to come out sooner or later. Whether it's after a night of binge drinking and during a drunken rage...or after an emotional breakdown...both of which are very unbecoming, unhealthy...and surely make you look crazy. I know I'm not the only one that has found themselves in this kind of situation...but NOW I am choosing to make a conscious effort to face my fears and STOP holding it in!

Bottom line: The longer you hold in your pee the weaker your bladder gets right? Graphic...maybe...but the same can be applied to emotions, opinions, feelings, or whatever. The more you hold it all in the weaker your soul gets...and the more your confidence is corroded. Granted, not everything is meant to be said and heard...but don't let something that's eating you up inside devour you piece by piece. In the words of that great philosopher Shrek, "better out than in...that's what I always say."

YOU gotta put in WORK!

Question of the day: why do men think they can get something for nothing?

Let's take this professional athlete I met last week...in second reference, I'll just refer to him as "the professional." Now we caught each others eye, talked a bit, did a little texting but that was about it. I was very skeptical about his intentions since he is an athlete, and couldn't wait to see which road he would take. One night, I see him out, and he acts as though he doesn't know who I am! Sorry, but I don't play those silly games. Of course I called him out, and of course his memory magically returned. So we talk for a second, and as I start to walk away, he says he's going to text me...I'm like cool. As I get in my car, my phone starts to buzz. "Send me some pics." That's what he decided to text me. I text back, "pics of what?!?" And he responds so devilishly, "oh, just surprise me ;-)" Huh?!?! My first instinct was to put up my middle finger and send a picture of that, but then I got to thinking. Less than an hour ago he was acting like he didn't know me from a can of paint, and now he wants "pics?" The audacity!! The road he decided to take was clear. It's no surprise I took a much higher road, and simply told him that I wasn't the kind of woman who sends pictures to men I barely know, and for him to have a nice night. And yep, you guessed it, that was the last I heard of "the professional."

Now, Let's take another guy...we're going to call him "Mr. Way Back When" because that was the last time he was relevant in my life. I see him out after not seeing him for months. I smile, say hi, engage in a little convo, and then go on my merry way. Then he texts me, "oh, you're just going to leave, not say bye, not say I'll talk to you soon, not say see you later?" Ummmm, silly silly Mr. Way Back When, why would I elude to something I don't plan to do. The next night he texts me at a very inappropriate time, and asks what I'm doing. Uh, sleeping perhaps. It's like this, I haven't talked to him in months, almost a year, and he's acting like this is A OK....like I'm really going to have a conversation with him at 3am. What were we going to talk about? He thought he could not talk to me for FOREVER, and then pop up and have a top spot?!? He obviously missed the memo that he NEVER had it like that.

These are just two instances that pertain to my previous question: why do men think they can get something for nothing?! I mean I could give a whole laundry list of examples of this sort of thing, but I figured two were enough to get my point across. It's just simple, what have you done for me that would make me want to, oh I don't know, send you pictures of myself, or answer your 3am phone call? What would make you think you have earned such perks... such privileges? Look, a GOOD woman is like a job...your dream job. You search for it, you apply for it, you interview for it, and you do whatever you have to do to keep it. If an employer looks at your resume, and offers an interview, that means they liked what they saw. You have officially got your toe in the door....yes, just your toe. You dress appropriately for the interview. You talk about what you can bring to the job. You want to make sure they know it's worth their wild. And if you get the job, the buck doesn't stop there...you've just got your whole foot in the door now. You have to work hard for the perks. You have to work for the vacation days...the pay raises...the sky box Redskins tickets...you have to work to NOT get fired. You have to work hard enough that they would be crazy to get rid of you. BUT, if you slack off, are late all the time, do stuff half ass, and are always asking for time off...you're not going to be employed very long. You're not going to be treated to the perks. You have to remember, there is always someone out there eager to take your spot. A woman is just like this. A job you love to do. You have to work to keep it, and if you give it all you got, you'll be handsomely rewarded. You might even make partner. Now, if you don't know how to do the job in the first place, STOP READING AND GO ASK SOMEBODY! Sorry, I digress... The tune rings like this, If you work hard for a woman, she'll work hard for you, and have your back. It really is that simple. However, I must say not all jobs are good jobs...not all women are worth working for. That's something you have to find out during the interview process. And then it comes down to this, if you don't love a job, if you hate going to it everyday, or you have no desire to put in work at all, then you might want to seek other employment.

Bottom line: We all have to stop expecting and start respecting. Who wants a woman who doesn't demand that you work for her time, energy, and love? Who wants a woman who's just easy? Some of ya'll out there do, and that's your prerogative, but remember if she was easy for you, she was easy for him too. Stop looking for work that tolerates you being lazy, and start looking for work that forces you to be a man.