Question of the day...is honesty ALWAYS the best policy?
As I laid in my bed last night, with a dark and gloomy cloud over my head, dried tears on my cheeks, hair tousled, eyes red, heart stressed, and body drained...I got to thinking about the reality of honesty being the best policy. I am thankful, grateful, and appreciative that my current boyfriend is comfortable enough to usually be completely honest with me...at all times, no matter the subject matter or the repercussions that might arise after the fact. Still, yesterday I experienced the validity of the phrase "truth hurts." Going on a month and a half of our relationship...2 months of being involved, I was brashly told that he was getting bored...in the bedroom. Yep, that's what he said, and not only did he say it, but he owned it, was confident in it despite how it would make me feel. Now, in retrospect and in the context of our entire conversation, I know he thought he meant well, but the way he said and approached the honest way he was feeling was COMPLETELY WRONG! In his attempt to get me to change some things, he only made my whole entire being shut down, and fear to erupt in my heart. I don't know many women, and after only a month and a half, would take that kind of news with a grain of salt. And, when I told my girlfriends what happened, well cried to them about what happened, they reacted the same way I did...shocked and confused. The thing about it is, this info is coming from a man who once told me that "it" was the best he'd ever had, and NOW "it" was BORING!? Sheesh, talk about a short attention span. Let me not forget that it didn't end there...while still wallowing and trying to digest the honest comment he made, he then said that maybe we should spend less time together due to the fact we "seem to argue a lot." Yep, that's what he said, on the same day, in the same conversation. Now, i'm no fool. When someone you're involved with says things like this to you within the same hour, most people would think, "ok, it's over, or about to be over, he's on his way out the door..." Yet, he urged me to believe that he wasn't going anywhere, and that he is merely trying to make our relationship better. Well, telling me you're bored and want to spend less time with me doesn't seem like an ideal way to go about making a relationship better. If anything, it prompts me to once again raise my guard, go on the defensive, and prepare myself for the worst. And someone like me, who hasn't been in a relationship in 4 years and has mostly dealt with losers, i'm still settling and adjusting to this whole real relationship thing, and changes don't happen over night, or in a month. However, I do care and love him very much. I know what he wants, and I know what to do to make this all better...(some lingerie here and there, switching things up a little bit) and I plan to do what it takes, BUT, what I have a problem with is the obvious disregard for my feelings. Yes, I am strong, but I am also pretty sensitive (like most women). When a man is aware of that fact, you would think they would address touchy subjects in a more tactful way, unless they refuse to see past their own feelings, needs, and desires. But, I don't even know if there's a tactful way to say what he said. I digress...I love and respect honesty, and I am a very honest person...especially with my bf, but if I was really brashly honest about EVERYTHING, he would probably stop talking to me for a while. Of course, I try to be as considerate as possible of his feelings, and that's what's missing on his part...some finesse in his truth telling. I understand that there are some things, that no matter how you say it, will be hurtful...but if you have a number of those kinds of feelings in a relationship, maybe there is a much bigger problem. A relationship shouldn't make you feel inadequate and hurt, especially when it's still in its beginning stages. A large part of me doesn't want to admit the inevitable, but HONESTLY speaking...Love, a losing game...7...Love, a blissful experience...0.
Bottom line: Before you speak about your HONEST feelings to someone you care and love, first put how you feel aside, and think about how what you're about to say will affect the other person. Honesty is a NECESSARY part of a relationship, but there's always a better way to go about bringing things to someones attention. Consideration is hard to come by, but it's also necessary to make a relationship work.
"People who are brutally honest get more satisfaction out of the brutality than out of the honesty." ~Richard J. Needham
