Are you missing a wire?

Question of the day: What happens when a guy exhibits behavior that suggests there's an emotional wire disconnected?

My best friends NOW ex boyfriend told me once that he loved her. Said he would do anything for her. Promised he wouldn't hurt her. Of course the jury's still out on whether he was trying to convince me or himself....but he knew I knew he couldn't live up to his own promises. After multiple break ups...dangerous fights...intense make-ups...and all the happiness and pain in between...my best friend said she was finally over it all...over him. I suppose it took this last time...this last mistake...this last heartbreak...this last act of disrespect to push her to finally take her heart off the table. He cheated. Multiple times. With multiple women. Some she happened to know. Even after he fought painfully hard to get her back so many times...cried out for her to forgive him...pleaded his case, not only to her, but to me too...said that he wanted her to be his wife...he STILL did what he did. What he's always done. Almost three years of the same go around. Crazy? Yes. But love can cloud all reason...make the sanest person insane. Yet, after all of the drama, my best friend tried to keep things cordial. She didn't cut him off (like I suggested)...and although she wouldn't take him back, she still answered when he called. Would text back when he text. Until one day she didn't. Until one day it all sank in. The disrespect, the pain...it all came up from a suppressed place and wielded itself around her heart. She couldn't bring herself to press answer. She couldn't bring herself to text back. This one day she finally realized he didn't deserve that. Now, this action prompted a (kind of) surprising reaction on her Ex's part. He called once during the day. She didn't answer. She didn't call back. He left a message. He sent a text. She didn't respond. Then he proceeded to call every minute for a full hour...he called her 60 times. He text her after every call. "Why won't you answer?" She continued to ignore. Then he resorted to name calling in an effort to get a reaction. She didn't fall for it. Then he threatened to come to her house. She simply said "don't." Thinking her response meant they were now having a conversation, he called again. She pressed ignore. I must say that if the tables were turned and a girl was doing all of this she would be called all kinds of crazy...told she was trippin'...but when a guy does it he says you're trippin' for not answering...huh? Oh, the double standards. But, I digress...this is the classic example of all the cliche's you say when someone who has hurt you gets a taste of the pain you felt. Notice I said a taste because not answering a phone call or text is nothing like cheating on someone. Still, he was showing signs of fear. Fear that his luck had run out. He thought he had gotten away with doing what he did. He thought he hadn't lost. He thought he could still keep this good woman. Silly, silly, silly. He claimed to be puzzled. Confused. Why would she do this to him. That's when I realize there's an important wire disconnected. He cheated. He lied....and didn't apologize for any of it. He betrayed her trust...betrayed their love. You can't do that, and think you will suffer no consequence. But, I guess if you're disconnected in some way, you're bound to think anything. On the other hand, I do see why he MIGHT conclude such a silly thing. He's got away with it before, what should make now any different? What's changed that NOW she won't come back? I get it. A person will continue to treat you how they want if you allow them to...if you accept it...and if you don't demand any better. But the day you open your heart up to that fact, remove yourself from the distorted equation...is the day you get 60 calls and a hundred texts.

Bottom line: You can often say more with silence than you could ever say with words. Words are powerful, but if they are contradicted by actions than they mean nothing. The most precious, fragile, and important thing you can put on the table is your heart...and it's not something you gamble carelessly. It takes guts to stay in the game...but it takes wisdom and strength to know when to fold...

Love: 1-0 :-)

Call you what now?!?

Question: Can you hold a guys nickname against him?

I think first impressions are very important. When you meet someone you're attracted to, you want to put your best foot forward...show your best self...use your best bait to attract the best fish. This past weekend I met a guy at a barbecue who intrigued me a bit. He was cute, and I liked the way he handled himself (trying to get away from saying the word swagger...it's so overused!) So, of course I made eye contact, and struck up a conversation. I asked him what he did, and he said he was an...drum roll please...Artist. Hmmm, red flag number one. An artist? What does that mean? Do you paint...draw...sing...what? Then he says, "I rap...i'm a rapper." Of course you are. Red flag number two. To me his whole I'm an artist hear me rap thing is a semi-fancy way of saying I don't do anything....I live in parents basement...and sell some form of narcotic to pay for my burger from Checkers. No one is JUST a rapper, unless they've made hundreds of records, sold millions of albums...and even then so many rappers do more than just, well, rap....look at Jay Z...I mean we all saw LL Cool J in SWAT right? Needless to say I was a tad turned off. BUT, I hate making concrete decisions and assumptions about someone I just met...it's unfair. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. So, as I was talking myself out of being judgemental his friend calls his name. "Hey Shiest?" Say what now? He explains that that's his nickname. Come again? UrbanDictionary.com defines shiest as a lying, cheating, dishonest, stealing, or simply shady mofo...someone to be suspicious of. He might as well call himself Criminal...Thief...Mr. Watch your purse. I mean, what the frick? You couldn't get a bigger red flag waving at me. Can you guess what my next move was?

Bottom line: If your closest friends coin a nickname for you...it's probably something befitting of your personality or stems from a situation you were involved in. However, nicknames like "shiest" are not going to get you very far with this LADY.


Love: ??

Let's have a sing-along.............NOT!

Question of the day: Singing on the first date...thumbs up or thumbs down?

I'm going to go with...a thumbs down. The other night I went on a date with a guy about 7 years my senior. He was nice, respectful, and seemed interesting. His stats (employer, location, beliefs, family history, etc) were pretty good too. He took me somewhere I had never been before...it was actually a perfect first date spot. I'll probably suggest it in the future lol. It was trendy, classy, food was tasty and it had TVs everywhere with the game on (I love sports). The conversation flowed well...BUT unfortunately, like most women I know, I knew after about 2 minutes of being around him I wasn't really interested. Still, just because I'm not feeling that romantic pizazz...doesn't mean I can't gain a friend (foolish thought? Maybe). Anyway, I sat there and continued to talk, laugh, and eat....just enjoying being in the moment. Towards the end of the date he said he had this Musiq Soulchild song he wanted to play for me...it apparently reminded him of me. Hmmm, a little hesitant, I said "OK," but in my mind there was a Red Alert light going off. When we got in the car, he was ready to cue up the song. Surprisingly I hadn't heard it before, but it had a nice melody, and smooth beat. Then...he began to sing. Now, he's definitely NOT a singer, but for some reason he decided to go for the gold....using his hands in a Christina Aguilera type way...attempting to hit the high notes...all while glancing over at me every time we stopped at a red light. Perplexed, I was unsure of what to make of the whole thing. My initial reaction was "wow, LAME ALERT"...but then after the song finished, he had another one ready to go that ALSO reminded him of me...and began to sing-along with that one TOO. Needless to say I was a wee bit uncomfortable. I'm like he only had one glass of wine...what's his deal? I began to have flashbacks of times I rode in the car with my dad, and he started singing along to some hip song hoping I would think he was cool. I didn't know whether to laugh, or jump out of the car the next time we stopped. I didn't know him well enough to embrace this kind of humor...mainly because I didn't really know if it was humor in the first place. To me, he looked totally serious...especially when he would finish every verse with, "yeah, I'm talking to you (enter my name)." All in all, the car was still coming to a rolling stop in front of my house when I said thanks for the date and hopped out. The date had started out normal...but ended in some weird alternate universe with Musiq Soulchild playing in the background.

Bottom line: I don't care if you sing like Luther Vandross...unless our first date is at one of your concerts...I think you best leave the singing alone...it's TOO RISKY. Just don't do it to yourself.


Love: building from the bottom up.

I'm sorry BUT...

Question of the day: Why do people try to get away with the BACKWARD apology??

When you want to tell someone you're sorry...for whatever stupid, mean, or inconsiderate thing you did...you should just say I'm sorry for blah blah blah...and that should be it. An I'm sorry followed by a big fat BUT is NOT an apology! It's a cop out. It's a fake. It's a disguised blame tactic. It's insincere, and simply the lead sentence into why you think you're not really sorry. It basically tells the person on the other end of the backward apology that they are well justified if they decide to NEVER acknowledge it was even given. Websters dictionary defines an apology as an expression of regret for a wrong...NOT an expression of a regret for a wrong that wasn't my fault. This type of apology does stem from an actual offense you took part in that had negative effects on another party or parties. Basically, you know whatever you did was WRONG, YET you still feel as though it was somewhat justified. You want to make it clear that it's unfortunate the following events occurred BUT the reason for its occurrence is perfectly understandable...in your eyes of course. Most backward apologies are just stepping stones to more dialogue on whatever happened to cause the apology in the first place. Most backward apologies are rooted in narcissism...and are given to fulfill a satisfaction that makes you feel like a better person as opposed to an ass hole. They have NOTHING to do with the person you're apologizing to. It's no secret that it's difficult to say those two words, "I'm sorry." Pride is a strong inhibitor. No one wants to say sorry first. No one wants to be the one to buckle. No one wants to seem weak...especially after an argument. BUT, I think it really is the opposite. If you can admit you were wrong without a BUT, than your soul is strong and your heart is even stronger...your mind is mature. Just know, a backward apology never warrants forgiveness...just resentment.

Bottom line: Don't say sorry, unless you're really sorry. If you still feel justified in whatever you did...then keep the sorry to yourself...AND keep it moving.

Love: ready to lay the smackdown!