Counting my gosh darn chickens...

Question: Can someone please help me remove the invisible sign I seem to have on my chest that says "Bitchassness, Welcomed!"

OK OK OK, I know you must be thinking, "OMG, what happened Des"..."The last blog was so happy and positive" Well, NOTHING has happened, nothing whatsoever, zilch, nada....and that's the problem. You know, I think of maintaining relationships, whether it's friendships, boyfriend/girlfriend, family, or whatever, as a ZEALOUS process. Websters dictionary defines "zeal" as an eager and ardent interest in the pursuit of something...think enthusiasm...passion. And when it comes to relationships, in order to maintain that closeness and connection...it takes some, well, zeal. So, where is the gosh darn zeal? A lot of men I have come in contact with seem to lack the "zeal factor," and my latest guy mountain is seemingly no exception (insert sad face here). I mean, trying to maintain a relationship is a PROACTIVE NOT INACTIVE thing. My initial reaction is to take it all as a hint....you know that whole "he's just not that into you" approach, and let the lazy bones kick rocks because I feel like i'm totally worth the "zeal factor," but gosh darnnit, now I'm mad. It all comes down to the age old question: what was it all for? The sweet nothings, the trips, the promises, the time shared...WHAT WAS IT ALL FOR if you were just going to be lazy, and take that whole out of site out of mind thing to a whole new level...if you were going to just fall off the GPS...if you were just going to be SO TYPICAL! I don't get it. For me, it's easy to take one failed situation, then start thinking about all the other similar failed situations, then your blood begins to boil, you work yourself into a hot mess, and start kirking out on the next unsuspecting soul you encounter (sorry Starbucks guy)...and that's what has happened. I am so tired of "the woo" effect manifesting itself into "the poo" effect. You know that whole, I'm gonna say and do whatever I can to get you, (even if I don't really mean any of it) and then when I get you I'm just gonna shit on you and walk away...hoping you have a good pooper scooper. If you can't tell, I'm doing a little bit of a sound off (my best friend is asking that I "calm down") because I'm TIRED. Tired of not knowing who I'm dealing with when I let a guy in. It's like is this YOU or the "fake" YOU? Is all this hoopla genuine, or do you really JUST want my crouching tiger (if you don't know what that is, find a ledge, thanks)? Of course I turn everything introspectively..."what's wrong with me"..."what did I do"..."did I drunk dial you and offend you"..."I'm so confused." I like to think I'm a good judge of character, and then some stupid boy does something, uh, stupid, and I'm like "wow, that was totally unexpected." Just goes to show you, everyone and anyone is capable of doing everything and anything...given the right provocation (is that a word?...ha ha, it is!). Is it so wrong to believe in following through, keeping it real and abiding by the golden rule? Is that really too much to ask? Maybe it is...

Bottom line: Where do I meet these losers? Oh, that's right, EVERYWHERE! Thank GOD for the best safety net.

Love: Half time.

Uh oh -- Spaghetti O's...

I can count the number of guys on one hand whom I have really, really, I mean really liked. This is not that "oh he's cool, I'll give him a chance" type of like...this is that butterflies in the stomach, every thought leads to him, obsessive analytical type of like. So far there's only been two that have fallen in that category in my lifetime. I suppose that number is a little surprising considering the number of people I have dated in my past (no need to give the exact number, just know it's up there), but that's the way it is. There have been people I grew to like and love in a strong and intense kind of way...but there haven't been many who, right off the bat, just impressed me with their mind, body and soul. It's more than physical for me when it comes to the kind of "like" I am referring to. This is the kind of infatuation that causes wavering and unusual behavior. It's the strength of their thoughts, goals and values that prompt you to obsess and pray to God they feel the fireworks too. Not too many guys can impress me that way, and that probably explains why only two have so far.

Anywho, I just recently took a trip to Chicago to see, well, let's just call him the Architect. I've known this person for some time, but the timing never seemed quite right to kick off some sort of long-lasting romance between us. But now we're both single, and when he asked me to visit him I figured, why the heck not. I always "liked" the Architect...and always wondered what might have been if things turned out differently. So, I flew to see him, and needless to say, the trip was like double fudge chocolate cake with two scoops of french vanilla on the side. It was complete with all the romantic going's on you could think of against the back-drop of a beautiful Chicago skyline. It was one of those trips you want to totally lose yourself in...be completely immersed in the moment...and I tried, I really did...but I found myself struggling at times. I hadn't realized how terrified I still was of letting myself feel emotions for another person. I was so used to dealing with disappointments and settling for one-sided relationships, that I was a fish out of water when it came to anything of the opposite...anything that was remotely "healthy" and without drama. I was a little stiff, and sometimes not myself...so fearful of letting someone in...of being vulnerable. However, the infatuation I spoke of previously was strong enough to let me feel the sparks every time our lips touched...to feel safe in his arms...to let down my guard with every nice gesture he made. I have said plenty of times before that I would never take part in a serious long-distance relationship again...and I still can't see myself doing so. BUT, I CAN say one thing...the Architect did help wipe away the darkness that was overshadowing the eternal love optimist that has always been inside of me.

Bottom line: After a string of heartbreaks and disappointments...taking that leap off the ledge again can be just about the scariest thing you can imagine. But I'd rather leap again, than torture my mind and soul with "what ifs." Plus, if you BELIEVE like I BELIEVE...I got the best safety net ever!

Love: up 1.