Question: When someone you love with all your heart breaks you...how can you recover, OR can you ever recover?
My BF broke up with me. For a little over 12 hours I could barely breath, focus, or speak without tears welling up in the corners of my eyes. It's hard because sometimes I don't want to cry, but unfortunately for me, I cry whenever I feel any type of emotion....happiness, sadness, anger, etc. The details of why we broke up are long and drawn out. After breaking up with me in the morning, I was forced to go to work with this situation looming over my head like a dark and stormy cloud. It was the toughest 8 hours of my life. After I got off, I was contemplating taking comfort in a very large bottle of red wine, and throwing on some extremely sad slow music, when I heard the phone ring. He wanted to talk. Initially, I'm thinking/hoping that maybe he's changed his mind and we can work this out, but the realistic side of me just figured he wanted to tell me face to face why he couldn't be with me anymore. Good thing I allow myself to think realistically because that's exactly what happened. There were no i'm sorry's, no I don't know what I was doing breaking up with you, and no let's try this again. Instead it was a long list of reasons why he did what he did. Like I needed to really hear it. He had already broken up with me, and that was a knife in the heart right there...but this was adding insult to injury...this was him pushing the knife deeper and then turning it left and right until it fell out my chest where he would proceed to step on it, throw it on the stove and eat it for dinner. His words were torturous, and swallowing them was like swallowing nails with a side of safety pins. Then he told me something that really put me on the ledge ready to jump to my death...he hadn't had sex with someone else, BUT, he had entertained another woman. BWHHHHAAAT??! And here I am feeling like a horrible girlfriend, when I have always remained loyal, opting to not see another man no matter how upset I am at him. Here I am being accused of this and that, when he's had one foot out the door for over three weeks now. Here I am blaming myself for this situation, when this is something he's been contemplating for some time. He had already given up. It's funny how you can allow people to manipulate situations when their actions are just as foul. If I had done what he did, he would have been livid. And many opportunities have come my way, but then what's the point of being in a relationship if you're going to still see other people? Here I am being honest, telling him I'm going to drive up with my producer friend for music business stuff, and he gets all in a tizzy, yet HE'S having secret dinner rendezvous. Either way you slice it, it's wrong. I mean, I'm so grateful he didn't have sex with someone else, but it's almost just as bad if not worse. You didn't share your body, but shared everything else. It's betrayal. Yet, I'm the one crucified on the cross for words I said in a drunken rage? Words that were somewhat true (in retrospect). You know, a woman's intuition can be so dead on it's scary. I could sense him falling back, I could sense him having doubts, I could sense that there were pieces of the puzzle missing...I could sense it all, yet love can dull all senses. Love can tell your mind lies. Love can put shades over your eyes. So, after all of his many revelations, I thought it was over. For me, when something like this happens and ends, I have to disappear...go into hiding...he has to not exist to me anymore...he has to be put in the safe and locked away...that's the only way I can move on. I'm sorry, but no, after you break my heart, I cannot be your friend, I can't talk to you like my soul isn't aching, like I don't feel like you wasted my time. I cannot pretend to not feel, when it's all I feel. In the end, he changed his mind, told me he wanted us to stay together "if I could do all the things he needs a girlfriend to do." But it seems as though the damage is done. My heart has been bruised, my mind has been filled with doubts. On top of it all, he's seriously considering moving away in a month or so. SO WHAT IS THE POINT? To see how much pain and heartache I can take? To see just how insane I can become? This is the most painful situation I have been in with a man in a long time because my love is real...my love is genuine...my love is his.
Bottom line: Is love ever enough? Is someone else worth sacrificing all of yourself even if they're not willing to do the same? No. In the end, it's your life, it's your choice, and it's YOU who has to deal with your broken heart. The hardest part is letting go...BUT if you're not willing to save yourself from destruction who is?
"Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop."
~Anonymous
