Rock Bottom: the lowest possible level, the absolute lowest point.
If you've read the last couple of blogs, it's really no surprise that this state of mind was a natural progression from the recent events. I have never been in love before...I mean in high school, but that was puppy love, not so serious, and not so complex. As you get older, you really begin to see what love is all about. Of course it's about sharing your life and happy memories with someone else, movie nights, candle lit dinners, and hot passionate...well use your imagination. But it's also about compromise, trust, letting down your defenses, taking a chance, vulnerability, and understanding...money, family, and future plans. Things most of us find difficult to do, things that are important enough to ruin a relationship if not handled with delicacy. The level of difficulty depends on the amount of hurt you've felt in the past, and the way you intertwine your practical life with someone else depends on your level of maturity. With all of that said, a couple days ago I spent an entire 24 hours in shambles, eyes blood shot, strength deteriorating, and mind wandering. Me and the BF had finally reached a point where nothing seemed to matter but the anger, the hurt, and the distrust. Us, together, was an afterthought. We had one of our many fights, all rooted in the same cause...a lack of trust and understanding. He wouldn't answer the phone, wouldn't answer a text, and I bet if I had sent a carrier pigeon he'd a shot it down with a Beebe gun. It really felt as though it was all over. I felt helpless, and defeated...hurt, and misunderstood...betrayed, and weak. No one ever wants to feel one of those things, but all of them at the same time...emotionally unstable does not even begin to describe my state. It was rough, and I was a hot mess. Towards the end of a two day depression, I had began to let myself give up, not care, and let go. I expressed my current state to my BF, and at first his selfishness trumped his opportunity to be compassionate. But after letting it all sink in, he started to see. But was it too late? Not, just yet. I had my eyes set on a getaway plan, but hadn't started packing my bags. He stopped me just in time. He told me what I needed to hear to not leave. His last wall had fallen....thank God because all I want is for us to be the strong couple I know we can be. So, here we are, for the first time, on the same page, both emotionally naked, both willing to do what it takes. A lot of the times you get with someone, you fall in love, but then you forget about the commitment. Any fool can love, but it takes strength and confidence to fully commit to someone else...to the success of a relationship. I think we've found our confidence and strength in each other, but of course, only time will tell.
Bottom line: Sometimes it all has to come crashing down before you can start to rebuild again. Love is not for the weak, and if you want to be dedicated and committed to the betterment of a relationship, stop being lazy and get to work.
The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. ~Charles DuBois
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