She's ALIVE! :-)

Where have I been? Well, I've been MIA because a lot has been going on in my life, and I just haven't had the energy to blog. For the last couple of months I've actually felt like I've been thrown in an emotional blender. I watched the evolution and dissolution of a relationship that meant a lot to me. So many feelings, so many ups and downs, a lot of disappointment. Now, I could talk about that disappointment or the pain and anger I'm trying to come to terms with. I could also rant about what I thought was right, what I thought was wrong, why I feel like I wasted my time, why I feel betrayed and bamboozled. But I'd rather just talk about what I've learned from it all...because in the grand scheme of things, that's what's worth taking from the situation. Just maybe it will not only help me, but someone else. So, here goes...

First, I learned that when someone shows you who they are, you must believe them. It seems like a simple enough concept, but it really can be challenging when you like someone...and then when that like grows to love. As soon as someone is cruel, inconsiderate, inconsistent, or shows a negative character...no matter how small it seems in that moment, you have to stop and think if that person is who you thought they were. Denial is a powerful sedative. It can have you sleep heavily through the bad because you only want to be awake for the good. It can disable your ability to decipher what is real, and what only lives in the comfort of your imagination. I can admit that for a while, denial was my best friend that only let me see what I wanted to see and not what was truly detrimental to my heart...

I learned how deeply powerful projection can be. When a person's self perception is so screwed, when they feel they can do no wrong, and withhold their faults from themselves, the only thing they now have the capacity to do is project it all on someone else. Unfortunately their projections begin to dictate who you are to them. Instead of seeing you, they see what they refuse to acknowledge in themselves.

"An unclarified mind represses its own faults and then projects them on all opponents." ~R. Collier

A person cannot and will not love you, trust you or respect you in this state. No matter what you do, it will never be good enough. No matter how honest you are, you will always be a liar. Until they look in the mirror and address their own insecurities, fears, and shortfalls, they will be incapable of having a loving and fulfilling relationship.

Lastly, I learned how truly strong I am. I am not perfect, and don't pretend to be. We all fall short, and I'm no different. But I don't run from that fact. I don't hide my imperfections, and I continue to work on them everyday. I know who I am, and through it all, I have managed to stay true to myself, and honest. Despite others, in their ignorance and own self indulgence, trying to dictate who I am...I have remained me, and I will forever be proud of that. Those who really know me, and are understanding and accepting of who I am, despite my faults, are the only ones who matter to me. The only ones who ever will.

Bottom line: It's been a rocky road, but I'm making it through. Though some have tried to kill my loving spirit...their attempts were unsuccessful. I thank God everyday, because without him, I would never be able to get through any of this. I look forward to brighter days from here on out. ♥