Question of the day: why do men think they can get something for nothing?
Let's take this professional athlete I met last week...in second reference, I'll just refer to him as "the professional." Now we caught each others eye, talked a bit, did a little texting but that was about it. I was very skeptical about his intentions since he is an athlete, and couldn't wait to see which road he would take. One night, I see him out, and he acts as though he doesn't know who I am! Sorry, but I don't play those silly games. Of course I called him out, and of course his memory magically returned. So we talk for a second, and as I start to walk away, he says he's going to text me...I'm like cool. As I get in my car, my phone starts to buzz. "Send me some pics." That's what he decided to text me. I text back, "pics of what?!?" And he responds so devilishly, "oh, just surprise me ;-)" Huh?!?! My first instinct was to put up my middle finger and send a picture of that, but then I got to thinking. Less than an hour ago he was acting like he didn't know me from a can of paint, and now he wants "pics?" The audacity!! The road he decided to take was clear. It's no surprise I took a much higher road, and simply told him that I wasn't the kind of woman who sends pictures to men I barely know, and for him to have a nice night. And yep, you guessed it, that was the last I heard of "the professional."
Now, Let's take another guy...we're going to call him "Mr. Way Back When" because that was the last time he was relevant in my life. I see him out after not seeing him for months. I smile, say hi, engage in a little convo, and then go on my merry way. Then he texts me, "oh, you're just going to leave, not say bye, not say I'll talk to you soon, not say see you later?" Ummmm, silly silly Mr. Way Back When, why would I elude to something I don't plan to do. The next night he texts me at a very inappropriate time, and asks what I'm doing. Uh, sleeping perhaps. It's like this, I haven't talked to him in months, almost a year, and he's acting like this is A OK....like I'm really going to have a conversation with him at 3am. What were we going to talk about? He thought he could not talk to me for FOREVER, and then pop up and have a top spot?!? He obviously missed the memo that he NEVER had it like that.
These are just two instances that pertain to my previous question: why do men think they can get something for nothing?! I mean I could give a whole laundry list of examples of this sort of thing, but I figured two were enough to get my point across. It's just simple, what have you done for me that would make me want to, oh I don't know, send you pictures of myself, or answer your 3am phone call? What would make you think you have earned such perks... such privileges? Look, a GOOD woman is like a job...your dream job. You search for it, you apply for it, you interview for it, and you do whatever you have to do to keep it. If an employer looks at your resume, and offers an interview, that means they liked what they saw. You have officially got your toe in the door....yes, just your toe. You dress appropriately for the interview. You talk about what you can bring to the job. You want to make sure they know it's worth their wild. And if you get the job, the buck doesn't stop there...you've just got your whole foot in the door now. You have to work hard for the perks. You have to work for the vacation days...the pay raises...the sky box Redskins tickets...you have to work to NOT get fired. You have to work hard enough that they would be crazy to get rid of you. BUT, if you slack off, are late all the time, do stuff half ass, and are always asking for time off...you're not going to be employed very long. You're not going to be treated to the perks. You have to remember, there is always someone out there eager to take your spot. A woman is just like this. A job you love to do. You have to work to keep it, and if you give it all you got, you'll be handsomely rewarded. You might even make partner. Now, if you don't know how to do the job in the first place, STOP READING AND GO ASK SOMEBODY! Sorry, I digress... The tune rings like this, If you work hard for a woman, she'll work hard for you, and have your back. It really is that simple. However, I must say not all jobs are good jobs...not all women are worth working for. That's something you have to find out during the interview process. And then it comes down to this, if you don't love a job, if you hate going to it everyday, or you have no desire to put in work at all, then you might want to seek other employment.
Bottom line: We all have to stop expecting and start respecting. Who wants a woman who doesn't demand that you work for her time, energy, and love? Who wants a woman who's just easy? Some of ya'll out there do, and that's your prerogative, but remember if she was easy for you, she was easy for him too. Stop looking for work that tolerates you being lazy, and start looking for work that forces you to be a man.
I love this post. But the reason I love it is because I can offer you a totally different view. You say that pursuing a woman is like applying for a job, but I think it's the other way around. The ratio of women to men is clearly in a mans favor (just facts) so women have to find a man. It's kinda like this: There are 1500 hundred unemployed people (women) and there are 500 jobs available (men). So there are unemployed people who are willing to do whatever to get that position. It's not right, it's not ethical, but the unemployed will do whatever to eat. Now some of these employers run their business with integrity and won't accept these types of employees, and if they do accept them, it's for a temp job (lol) But basically you have to find a job who fits your vision and mission statement and YOU have to apply.
ReplyDeleteSorry, but I had to drag that analogy out because it was a good one. lol
I have been reading your blogs for some time. I like this post because it brings up an important point, which is that most men are immature when it comes to women and relationships...and that's coming from a man! But the why's is more important than the what. What jiburgess said is one reason, and we all saw that first hand being at Howard. However, that same situation is across the country though, not just at HU. Secondly, there are too many women who are easy. Why would any man want a quality woman, such as yourself Ms. Smith, when he can get everything he wants from a woman he only knew for a day. Thirdly, what too many man are looking for in a woman is only short lived happiness, such as sex, which is why many of them result to cheating, or being less interesting or attractive to women in the relationship. The list can go on on the why's, but the most important one is one that both woman and man share...and that is self-awareness. You will never find a quality partner without knowing yourself first, and having a clear understanding of what you want that partner to do for you(what is your definition of a relationship). Knowing yourself can have many interpretations, but in regards to relationships, it's not easy to do simply because it's not easy to know what to figure out the right answer. Majority of people will answer that question by saying what they are looking for(tall, short, light, dark, smart, athletic), but knowing those things will only get you so far, which isn't far at all. To really know yourself, you first have to know what you define a relationship as, then figure out what will bring you long-term happiness. That stuff is getting off topic, but I can explain it later because most people REALLY don't know what I mean by knowing yourself and they need too. The point that most man are immature only benefits you by being aware of that reality. It should make you more gaurded as a result, which it seems you are. But I bet that is the least of any woman's problem in this matter.
ReplyDelete...and that's why many women are becoming lesbians. Men just can't do what needs to be done now. The whole woman to man ratio has been disproportionate for some time. This post was NOT about that. Call me old school, but this post was about being a man. Doing what a man was always supposed to do. Hunt and provide. A man pursues what he wants with all he's got. A man is willing to step up to the plate and be a leader...not a follower...not an acceptor of the mediocre. There are women out there who are messing it up for the rest of us. There are women out there who don't demand what they deserve. But does that justify your laziness? We are the prize...YOU are the winners. If we say no, you have to seek other employment, not us. Despite the ratio...a GOOD woman is always in demand. That will always be the case despite the ratio. I love ya jiburgess, but you missed the point...and proved mines further. "Because there are more of me, you have to work for me?" The point was this whole sense of entitlement...instead of work.
ReplyDeleteOh but Dez, you missed when I said I am offering a "totally different view." I come from a long line of providers that have been married for 20+ years (Grandparents were married for 54 years before Grandpa passed). I know full well that it's my job to court a woman, but times are changing and there are different rules now. Don't necessarily agree with it, but Darwin says you must adapt or get left behind. I actually agree with everything you said but it's is important to have a reader that will listen objectively and offer a different view. I am merely trying to point out that no matter how much we dislike it, there's a game being played and so many people are playing it that WE are forced to play along. Or be left scratching our head wondering why love keeps kicking us in the ass. But let me be clear that I AM a hunter and provider and I will pursue my woman.
ReplyDeleteI very much understand your point, D. Lol, and im not going to dispute that this is the reason that more and more women are becoming lesbians. But on the flip side of that, and maybe this is just me, more and more men are becoming gay, too(Morgan Freeman...NOOOOOOOOOOO). I don't condone that stuff at all, but it makes you realize that there is some kind of discrepancy here. What you said in you post about employment sounds very much like the way things should be. But given the norms of society today, I doubt your going to find success with that mentality. I seems that you agree with the ratio problem. Lets take that a step further. 42% of black women will never marry. Keep in mind we are not talking about married and got divorced, we're talking about NEVER! Now, most of the older women that I know, in their 30's and 40's, that aren't married, and probably won't, are intelligent, independent, have great careers w/ GREAT INCOME, and are GORGEOUS. I say that to say I bet most of the women comprising that 42% are what we would call "good" women. That means that women are failing to hire qualified men out of the small pool of men in general that they have to work with. My suggestion...change how attract men to interview, change how you critique them(what defines relationship for you),don't change you requirements (definitely don't reduce them), unless they don't fit your perfect employee(know yourself). You said that good women are in demand, I would agree with that statement. But you also have to keep in mind the difference between needs and wants. Men do need good women, but you can tell they are NOT actively seeking them based off of what they do. The professional you referred to approached you for one reason, and he did so in a very bold manner at that. That reason was not because you are a good women. And I can assure you most men initially will approach you for similiar reasons, but are willing to bide their time for weeks or months to get what they were looking for. That's just the way it is. Men will say they are looking for good women but you can't give credibility to that.
ReplyDeleteD, I want to address you though. As valid as you point about men not stepping up to the plate and being men is, there is absolutely nothing you can do to change it. That is simply one of the cards you, as a woman in 2009, have been dealt and have to contend with. However, you have 100% control over your mentality, actions, and approaches. Too many women complain about men, say that they are good women, and that nothing is worng with them. I'm not saying your one of them but it is common for many women to do those things. Doing that won't help women, or anyone doing it, find success. It is simply a easy way to justify failure and take accountability off of them. All you can do is work on yourself. You WILL find a men worthy of you presence, and you probably already know him or know of him. You have to know where to focus your efforts...know yourself. (I will explain soon)
I must say that I agree with anonymous whole heartedly. But I think he might be in Love with you Dez, lol. So I suggest that you find out who he is (if you don't already know) and see what he has to offer because he sounds like a level headed guy.
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