"What do you expect us to do?" ...um NOT be IDIOTS maybe...

PEOPLE READ MY BLOG!!!!

I am always appreciative of blog comments...because otherwise I'm just venting off into some vast blogging world...aimlessly....without restraint...without response...without any feedback...leaving me thinking I'm just talking to myself via Internet. BUT, I especially love those that tell me I know NOTHING about men...that I talk too bad about men...that women are just as bad as men...and that women give mixed singles and blah blah blah...so hey,what are guys expected to do? I agree, women do give mixed signals at times...but so do men...still that's a subject being saved for another blog (coming very soon). However, I just want to say that many comments are directed to the wrong person... You need to be talking to your fellow male counterparts. I always try to make it a point to write only about what I know, what I've learned, what I've experienced, what I've personally seen. I am a professional journalist...I am a songwriter. I am all about the facts and the solutions....things people can relate to. I am the first one to say I HATE GENERALIZATIONS...and I do my best to blog about specifics. Every man, situation, or whatever I talk about is because I felt it, endured it, accepted it, loved it, hated it, was confused by it, and ultimately chalked...it...up. I don't write this cause I want to discredit men. The blog is called Love: a losing game? That's a question...not a statement. I am the perfect example of an eternal love optimist. I want to find those guys to counter those other guys that have tried so desperately to stain the reputation of men...and believe me, when I find him...you'll know. Like I said previously, I only write what I know, what I've seen, what I've felt...this is purely from my perspective and experience. I have come across some idiots...that's just what it is. Don't like it...start a blog and tell them yourself...

Bottom line: I hope you all will continue to read, comment and such...it really makes me feel good that people can relate to what I'm going through, and criticism is a necessary humbling factor.

Love: 0-0

Love Deal Breakers...friend or foe?

Question of the day: As you get older, do some of those love deal breakers you have just slowly have to become deals?

We all have those things...those little pet peeves...those personal vexations...those deal breakers that make it impossible to date a particular someone. Whether it's as serious as a persons inability to commit, or as petty as the way they chew their food...we are all guilty of pulling the plug on a possible future with someone because of something that just irked your nerves. BUT, as we get older, and that stupid ol time clock continues to tick forward, is it smarter to let some things slide considering the fact your options start dwindle? BUT, would that be the equivalent of settling? And if so, is "settling" really THAT bad? These are questions I have been asking myself lately. I met this guy, who, well, struck my fancy a bit (not too many guys do that on the first impression). Funny, handsome, and EMPLOYED...so I know you're thinking "what's the problem gurl?" Well, he has a five year old son...which means he has a baby momma...which no matter how you slice it, means there is a permanent stream of drama in his life. When I found this out, I just screamed out horrifically "WHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYY?" Usually kids and baby momma's are, yes, a DEAL BREAKER for me. I once met a guy at a lounge and we were having a great conversation, he was very very good looking, and then he subtly throws in the fact he has two children...I said, "nice talking to you, see ya." and walked away. I mean, the whole idea of dating someone with extra someones is too overwhelming for me, and let's just face it, I'm not really a kid person and in no way prepared to play mommy. Still, if a really nice guy comes along, but already has his own little family, should he just be written off? Should his offspring be his love punishment? I mean, we all have baggage, right? And I don't want it to seem like I'm some kid hater, because I'm not...I just feel kids add one more hurdle/obstacle to the equation. I know me, and this really IS just one of my deal breakers...at this time. Heck, I'm still young, and kidless...I don't want to have to think about re-thinking and settling when it comes to my personal vexations, at least not yet. Plus, I am still on my Man Diet, and am only willing to partake in surface dating anyway...so, I guess these questions don't have to be answered right now. Yet, I still have some moves to make...date or no date??

Bottom line: Think long and hard about those things...those little pet peeves...those personal vexations...those deal breakers, and make sure they are JUST what they are, and not limitations and barriers keeping you from romantic happiness, in disguise.

Love: on an offensive run.

It's Diet TIME!

Question of the day: Diets...good idea or bad idea?

Now, I'm not talking about diets that involve staying away from salty potato chips, or substituting that cosmopolitan drink for a glass of water. I'm talking about the MAN diet. Webster's dictionary defines a diet as a particular selection of food, esp. as designed or prescribed to improve a person's physical condition or to prevent or treat a disease...well, I have decided to take that same definition and make it applicable towards dealing with my emotional health, and more specifically in relation to how I love and date. We diet to keep our heart strong, lungs clear, blood flowing, brain energized, and weight healthy...But why is dieting to keep our emotions, aura, and overall attitude in good standing so taboo? It is a pretty known fact that if you're sad, in a toxic relationship, or just reeling from a break-up that it doesn't matter how many carbs you cut out...if tears continuously fall from your eyes, and your motivation and determination is at an all time low...you are definitely still in the unhealthy zone. You might be wondering what I mean by a Man Diet...well, first let me say that this is a diet NOT a fast. I'm not saying retreat to your apartment, turn off your phones, put the greatest depressing love jams on repeat and cease all contact with the male species. I'm saying cut the fat, intensely limit the tasty yet toxic men in your life, exercise optimism, and entertain more positive influences. For me, there are men still in my life that fall in that tasty yet toxic category...doing nothing but keeping me emotionally unhealthy. So, THEY MUST GO. There are emotions and negative feelings I am still holding on to in regard to my recent break-up, and some other disasters that occurred before then...THOSE MUST GO TOO. Now, as you "trim the fat"...you replace what you release with a healthier alternative. Replace toxic men and relationships with positive and beneficial ones...replace those negative emotions with more optimistic and hopeful emotions. But remember, before you can begin this diet you must be mentally prepared to commit yourself to bettering your emotional health. I mean we all love Krispie Kream donuts and McDonald's Big Macs...but face it, that stuff will kill you...especially in excess! And for me, i'm more than tired of being sad, depressed, upset, negative, and hopeless...and before I can move on and begin a new relationship I must let go of all that extra baggage. The Man Diet is the perfect place to start...the perfect thing to help me strengthen my soul and my heart. Once again, I must reiterate that this is NOT A FAST...this is a diet to help you see clearer what and who is best for you. Instead of just dating to date, to not feel lonely or sorry for yourself...you date more selectively, more smart, and with your best interest for the future in mind. Now, I know a few posts ago I talked about building a dream love team, being a coach, and having different guys on your roster. Well, no one wants an unqualified, disillusioned, and just plane hot mess for a coach...that is a position you can only take on when you're in your best emotional health. If you're not, it's just some blind, deaf, homeless person trying to coach an all star team. With all of that said, my diet has started, and I plan to be on it for a couple of months...with one focus in mind: getting myself emotionally back to great health!

Bottom line: A lot of things are easier said than done, but this is YOUR life and isn't that reason enough to try all you can to maintain a sense of contentment and good health emotionally and physically? Do what you gotta do to repair and uplift yourself!

Love: on a diet.

Just call me COACH

In this day and age...a single gal has to fend for herself, and until she can get that one man that fulfills all the needed positions in her life....a strong roster MUST be built! Let's just be honest...if you only have a one player roster, what will you do when he's not performing well, on injured reserve or having a Kobe moment? You have to do what you have to do...be that smart Coach, since this is YOUR life. You have to have a good squad, and there are some great one position players out there (or so I've heard). Let's just imagine that your love life is like a game of basketball...you need those great players to score...to play the game smart...to get you a win! So, you have your point guard guy...your Chris Paul if you will. He's the leader, the guy who you can count on to hold you down. The one who takes you out, and when you have any type of desperate situation, he's there to step in and help. He takes control, so you don't have to. BUT, there's no I in team. So, you have your shooting guard guy...your Michael Jordan if you will. He's best for creativity and consistency. He's flashy, sexy and does it all very well...while looking great. He knows how to handle you in more ways than one. He's so exciting. BUT, this is a TEAM effort. So, you have your small forward guy...your Tayshaun Prince if you will. He's quick and versatile. When you need it done...it's DONE. He defends your honor, and there's little he can't handle. He's exceptional in random situations...and keeps you on your toes. BUT, together we stand and divided we fall. So, you have your power forward guy...your Kevin Garnett if you will. He's, well, powerful. He takes on every challenge. He's large, but not afraid of his in the moment emotions...he gives his all. Plus, sometimes you just need to be man handled. BUT, it takes an orchestra to play a symphony. So, you have your center...your Dwight Howard if you will. He uses his unique skills to please you. When you're down, he always knows how to help you...well...rebound. He's your anchor, in a good way that is. He's great for the intimidation factor. With him, no one will bother you...they'll just be intrigued. Of course you have your sixth man guy...Manu Ginobili if you will. He's not a starter, but he's that reserve...that standby ready to step in at a moments notice...and that's in any position. Now, many people would like to be all high and mighty and say love/relationships shouldn't be compared to a game, BUT let's face it, we all play. When you're in a serious relationship there's no need to play anymore (even though many still do)...you've retired...taken a sabbatical...became an assistant for your friends team. HOWEVER, if you aren't in anything serious...just get ready for the jump ball.

Bottom line: Where's my clip board and whistle? lol.

"One man can be a crucial ingredient on a team, but one man cannot make a team." ~Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

Love: on a scouting trip.

Listening...a dead art?

It is no secret that women are more open to verbal communication when it comes to the nitty gritty of a relationship. Still, listening to your partner is just as important as whatever you want them to hear. This is something that can be very hard to do, it's something many would rather not do. Who wants to address hurt feelings, fears, doubts, and concerns to a person you don't want to lose...sometimes you'd rather let them just manifest themselves into the big gray elephant in a room, or let them fester until their fumes morph into a large atomic bomb and explode in the face of an unsuspecting loved one. Needless to say those tactics aren't exactly healthy for a relationship. My BF has this thing where he feels whenever we start talking about the issues within our relationship, a nasty emotional fight is all that occurs. But I feel, if we are both willing to listen, respect, and do our best to understand the other person, than there's no reason for World War three. If we can't talk to each other about how we feel, than how can we function, grow, or love? A relationship cannot and will not work without honest words, and open ears.

"The colossal misunderstanding of our time is the assumption that insight will work with people who are unmotivated to change. Communication does not depend on syntax, or eloquence, or rhetoric, or articulation but on the emotional context in which the message is being heard. People can only hear you when they are moving toward you, and they are not likely to when your words are pursuing them. Even the choice words lose their power when they are used to overpower. Attitudes are the real figures of speech."
~Edwin H. Friedman

When you hit the bottom...only way to go is UP!

Rock Bottom: the lowest possible level, the absolute lowest point.

If you've read the last couple of blogs, it's really no surprise that this state of mind was a natural progression from the recent events. I have never been in love before...I mean in high school, but that was puppy love, not so serious, and not so complex. As you get older, you really begin to see what love is all about. Of course it's about sharing your life and happy memories with someone else, movie nights, candle lit dinners, and hot passionate...well use your imagination. But it's also about compromise, trust, letting down your defenses, taking a chance, vulnerability, and understanding...money, family, and future plans. Things most of us find difficult to do, things that are important enough to ruin a relationship if not handled with delicacy. The level of difficulty depends on the amount of hurt you've felt in the past, and the way you intertwine your practical life with someone else depends on your level of maturity. With all of that said, a couple days ago I spent an entire 24 hours in shambles, eyes blood shot, strength deteriorating, and mind wandering. Me and the BF had finally reached a point where nothing seemed to matter but the anger, the hurt, and the distrust. Us, together, was an afterthought. We had one of our many fights, all rooted in the same cause...a lack of trust and understanding. He wouldn't answer the phone, wouldn't answer a text, and I bet if I had sent a carrier pigeon he'd a shot it down with a Beebe gun. It really felt as though it was all over. I felt helpless, and defeated...hurt, and misunderstood...betrayed, and weak. No one ever wants to feel one of those things, but all of them at the same time...emotionally unstable does not even begin to describe my state. It was rough, and I was a hot mess. Towards the end of a two day depression, I had began to let myself give up, not care, and let go. I expressed my current state to my BF, and at first his selfishness trumped his opportunity to be compassionate. But after letting it all sink in, he started to see. But was it too late? Not, just yet. I had my eyes set on a getaway plan, but hadn't started packing my bags. He stopped me just in time. He told me what I needed to hear to not leave. His last wall had fallen....thank God because all I want is for us to be the strong couple I know we can be. So, here we are, for the first time, on the same page, both emotionally naked, both willing to do what it takes. A lot of the times you get with someone, you fall in love, but then you forget about the commitment. Any fool can love, but it takes strength and confidence to fully commit to someone else...to the success of a relationship. I think we've found our confidence and strength in each other, but of course, only time will tell.
Bottom line: Sometimes it all has to come crashing down before you can start to rebuild again. Love is not for the weak, and if you want to be dedicated and committed to the betterment of a relationship, stop being lazy and get to work.

The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. ~Charles DuBois

What's BEST for YOU...?

Question: When someone you love with all your heart breaks you...how can you recover, OR can you ever recover?

My BF broke up with me. For a little over 12 hours I could barely breath, focus, or speak without tears welling up in the corners of my eyes. It's hard because sometimes I don't want to cry, but unfortunately for me, I cry whenever I feel any type of emotion....happiness, sadness, anger, etc. The details of why we broke up are long and drawn out. After breaking up with me in the morning, I was forced to go to work with this situation looming over my head like a dark and stormy cloud. It was the toughest 8 hours of my life. After I got off, I was contemplating taking comfort in a very large bottle of red wine, and throwing on some extremely sad slow music, when I heard the phone ring. He wanted to talk. Initially, I'm thinking/hoping that maybe he's changed his mind and we can work this out, but the realistic side of me just figured he wanted to tell me face to face why he couldn't be with me anymore. Good thing I allow myself to think realistically because that's exactly what happened. There were no i'm sorry's, no I don't know what I was doing breaking up with you, and no let's try this again. Instead it was a long list of reasons why he did what he did. Like I needed to really hear it. He had already broken up with me, and that was a knife in the heart right there...but this was adding insult to injury...this was him pushing the knife deeper and then turning it left and right until it fell out my chest where he would proceed to step on it, throw it on the stove and eat it for dinner. His words were torturous, and swallowing them was like swallowing nails with a side of safety pins. Then he told me something that really put me on the ledge ready to jump to my death...he hadn't had sex with someone else, BUT, he had entertained another woman. BWHHHHAAAT??! And here I am feeling like a horrible girlfriend, when I have always remained loyal, opting to not see another man no matter how upset I am at him. Here I am being accused of this and that, when he's had one foot out the door for over three weeks now. Here I am blaming myself for this situation, when this is something he's been contemplating for some time. He had already given up. It's funny how you can allow people to manipulate situations when their actions are just as foul. If I had done what he did, he would have been livid. And many opportunities have come my way, but then what's the point of being in a relationship if you're going to still see other people? Here I am being honest, telling him I'm going to drive up with my producer friend for music business stuff, and he gets all in a tizzy, yet HE'S having secret dinner rendezvous. Either way you slice it, it's wrong. I mean, I'm so grateful he didn't have sex with someone else, but it's almost just as bad if not worse. You didn't share your body, but shared everything else. It's betrayal. Yet, I'm the one crucified on the cross for words I said in a drunken rage? Words that were somewhat true (in retrospect). You know, a woman's intuition can be so dead on it's scary. I could sense him falling back, I could sense him having doubts, I could sense that there were pieces of the puzzle missing...I could sense it all, yet love can dull all senses. Love can tell your mind lies. Love can put shades over your eyes. So, after all of his many revelations, I thought it was over. For me, when something like this happens and ends, I have to disappear...go into hiding...he has to not exist to me anymore...he has to be put in the safe and locked away...that's the only way I can move on. I'm sorry, but no, after you break my heart, I cannot be your friend, I can't talk to you like my soul isn't aching, like I don't feel like you wasted my time. I cannot pretend to not feel, when it's all I feel. In the end, he changed his mind, told me he wanted us to stay together "if I could do all the things he needs a girlfriend to do." But it seems as though the damage is done. My heart has been bruised, my mind has been filled with doubts. On top of it all, he's seriously considering moving away in a month or so. SO WHAT IS THE POINT? To see how much pain and heartache I can take? To see just how insane I can become? This is the most painful situation I have been in with a man in a long time because my love is real...my love is genuine...my love is his.
Bottom line: Is love ever enough? Is someone else worth sacrificing all of yourself even if they're not willing to do the same? No. In the end, it's your life, it's your choice, and it's YOU who has to deal with your broken heart. The hardest part is letting go...BUT if you're not willing to save yourself from destruction who is?

"Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop."
~Anonymous